Life with Emotions

04 June 2015

Hello, this is my first time ever writing and I want to introduce myself to you all, My Name is Lea Heart and I am coming up to the age of 20 years old. I haven’t really done much in my life because I haven’t really had the chance, I know, I have nearly lived 20 years and I haven’t done much?

I have lived through life with different emotions like one minute I think something and then I feel something else within the matter of seconds…

I have written poems on a poetry site for 3 years now and looking back at them all seems like I have trying to fight through life, I write about how I feel and I also have written about what has been going in with my life.

I have a boyfriend who I am madly in love with, When I see him I feel like I’ve fallen in love all over again. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him in my life right now, We have been through so much together and its been 2 years and 5 months. It is a very long time isn’t it? He is my world and love of my life.

I do have 2 brothers and 1 sister but I have a brother that hates be right now because I am calling my mums boyfriend dad but that is only because I haven’t got a dad any more…he left when I was only a baby at the age of one years old.

I have had so much fear in my childhood years through older men which is from the age of 30-40 years old.  I hope I am not babbling on too much but its how I feel and I want to share it with you…

I lost my apprenticeship 2 weeks ago…I working in a pharmacy but they didn’t give me much of a chance, I feel like they expected me to learn everything in 1 week of me being there but it was just too impossible, just like Boots, they shoved me in the deep end.

In the pharmacy I was humiliated by one member of staff making me stand on one leg, I did what he asked to stand on one leg but I thought to myself ‘stand on one leg, this is stupid’ so i put my foot down and as he was speaking to another member of staff he stopped and looked at much and said “put your foot back up” eventually he let me put it back down but during that time my face was boiling hot and I bet it was beetroot red…

During the time of him making me do that I felt the world close in on me and I wanted to disappear and be invisible….

What would you do if any of you guys was in that position? would you do what I did or do something different? baring in mind I was only there for 2 weeks and had to be good too shoes…

please comment below and share your experiences at work.

Feeling low

Hi everyone,

So I am not ok at all, I feel so low, so upset it’s indescribable…I am no longer doing modelling at all now, was really good at first but now some people arnt that nice out there…

I’ve been to a party lately and was just at a friends house tonight…was great fun but boyfriend didn’t really approve of it, the first party was great but he won’t go to another…and the friends house was just a get together to play poker.

He has become a little snappy and annoyed, we was both locked out too by my alcoholic parent and fiance…I am sick of life and myself, maybe I just wasn’t meant to be happy anymore as for the abuse I had from when I was born up to the age of 18-19.

I turn 21 this Sunday which I am not even looking forward to it, it’s just another day and even my family don’t like me that much. Since my mother has been seeing this man they have been distant and secretive but when haven’t they been….

I am sorry for this publish but what’s the point in lyeing about how I feel…I enjoyed tonight too but when I got home wasn’t so good as for annoyed and snappy people…

Lea x

Thinking about things…

Hi all,

I’ve been thinking a lot these days, i ve brought a bunny and he does look cute, i will post an image but there is my mums fiance….

My mum is totally cool with it but her fiance is like no way is that bunny staying here! But he is and he isn’t taking my bunny away, my bunny is a boy and I named him scratch! 

He scratches me a lot but that’s only because sometimes he struggles and his nails are sharp as he is only young and 9 weeks old!

Have you ever thought about having an argument and repeating the convo in your head over and over again? If you don’t understand well let me explain…

My mum’s fiance keeps ignoring me now and well….I keep thinking about going downstairs and sorting it out and I also keep thinking about the conversation that we would have. I just keep repeating it a lot and not actually doing it but I don’t have the nerve or guts to do it.

Here is a picture of him anyway 

Lea x 

I’m back!

Hey everyone!

I am back and will be posting every week, I haven’t been on much due to what I have been going through recently.

Here I will tell you some of the things, I have been suffering from depression as you know but more of anxiety too. I have developed a fear of going to the job centre and what others think of me as well, I am not sure what is now happening with my modelling as I haven’t had anyone be interested in me….

I wish I can carry on modelling but like I said I haven’t had anybody be interested but if something doe come up, I will also let you know.

I haven’t been able to go out the house for more then 2-3 weeks as my big toe was fractured, I managed to hurt it when I was drunk, silly me but accidents happen, lol.

I am thinking of getting a bunny although my mum and her partner will not approve of this but I am going to get on because I love them and they help me cope. I will most likely get better with my anxiety because I will be looking after something and loving something more, animals to me are part of me too.

I’ve recently finished the book, Will you love me?? By Cathy Glass and I would like to say what a story! It’s a true story too because of the description and things but Lucy as the child was neglected and awful things happened to her although I won’t tell you much about the story because you may want to read this.

I haven’t shown you any of my drawings so to keep you guys/girls interested in me, I will post some of my drawings in a page frequently and you can see how well I can draw and my progress; although I am still learning to draw and by this way I am learning from someone called Sonia Leong – Draw Manga Complete Skills book.

Sonia Leong is a Professional Manga Artist and she has created her own story books as well as videos of how to draw certain things. 

Anyways I am sure you don’t want to hear much more about that as it can be a boring topic, I am like to make people smile and not be like a boring talking person! 

I have been craving chocolate lately! It’s crazy, I’ve gone through 1 big bar of dairy milk chocolate and a half of one, they are both 200g which is a lot and not good for you but I think us girls like our chocolates!

I will be back soon to talk more! Please comment, I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings too! I will be posting at least every week now, possibly more.

See you all.

Lea xxx

Hello Everyone!!

Hey guys 😃

So I’ve been a lost in my days and time has gone by….I do apologise for not posting on here.

I’ve been up and down with my mood, I get one step closer to where I want to be and then I take three steps back! 😔

I’ve recently been doing this course that was supposed to of been photography but they cancelled it because the tutor left so I couldn’t really do that….

I haven’t been modeling as much because of this course and I thought it would be a good opportunity so I have decided to take the fashion and social media root 🙂 I know I will enjoy it because I am quite creative and I love all Social Media sites!

I hope you liked my poem In The Army 🙂

Will post soon….

Before

Before this weight came crashing down, I was fine and able to cope with daily life….
I have came a long way, struggled time and time again….
My anxiety and depression has become worse and slowly losing a sense of control.

I try to relax and say I am ok, I say don’t feel sick and make your belly hurt, I have people around me who support me and love me…
I can’t seem to get better, I want to cry when I wake up in the mornings and have to get out of bed to go to this course….

I want to be free from this anxiety, this shakiness that keeps happening to me….I want to finally be happy because I’m an adult!!

In the next few months I will try and over come this :/ I just hope I do before its too late.

The beach

I wonder in daylight across the beach, feeling the sand between my toes. I’m far from home but not lost, I like to be free like my dress that flows. I thought I was running out of time, my heart had quickened and my body felt like it was dragging, I was beginning not to cope so I ran as quick as I could to be by some place where I could set free.

Some place peaceful, some place warm but when I reached the ocean my knees gave way and a few tear-drops rolled down my cheeks. I was worrying and feeling panicked, I am now fine, I don’t know what started it but tonight my soul won’t vanish.

In The Army

This isn’t in the army…..
There’s no love or family just strangers in your den.
This happens in the army,
Death is everywhere and all we have is a notepad and a pen.

This isn’t in the army….
Laughter or happiness
This happens in the army
A written note for the family.

This isn’t in the army….
Comfort for shedding your tears.
This happens in the army,
The enemies lye around here….

Mothers Day

Mother to daughter we’ll always be,
The love that we have you’ll always see.
Together forever until we die,
None can stop us or make us cry.

We’ve always been strong you and I,
The past that we’ve had has got us by.
Mamma I know that you’ve been hurt
And I’ve always been there even when he had cursed.

No more worries because your own day,
Again I will be there to celebrate with cake.