When I was younger all past ten years old; all I could really think about was becoming a writer. I used to go through the categories like: Song-writing, Poetry and Story writing but then I thought about Modelling…
I used to pinch my Grandmas glasses, look in the mirror and pull silly faces and poses; I used the glasses as though they were mine. I got to the age around sixteen, nothing was full-fulling; I went online and looked at modelling agencies…
Little did I know is that you had to have a guardian or parent with you and I begged my mum, tried to persuade her to come to London and support me but she had my brothers and sisters to look after and there I thought my dreams were shattered….
I do not know what happened because it’s kind of a blur to me but what I do know is that; I looked back into modelling at around Eighteen Years old and went over to Purpleport. That is how I got to finally live my dream, to experience the beautiful photos that were taken of me…
I didn’t think I was beautiful, only me is who would say this and I have fought through my battles in thinking negative about myself and I am still fighting but I think I have finally come to realise that I am beautiful…in my own unique way…. but let me tell you this….
Do not let anyone else tell you that you are not beautiful because you are; You will also finally live your dream and you can accomplish this if you try, afterall you only live once!
So, where do i start? The past 2 years I have been gone….Here i am now back, well its been crazy. I got Pregnant not long after an amazing 1 year anniversary with my now husband to be. We now have a 1 year old little girl, beautiful and most say she looks just like me. I have to say she has definitely changed me in good ways but with the past year of things happening I have also changed in bad ways…
How do you find help with something others don’t recognise but you do yourself? How can I change my emotions back to normal when all i feel is elevated or down? maybe a poem can help you understand how i feel?
Sunshine and darkness does not go together,
with me it does and it feels like it lasts forever.
The world around me feels heightened yet blurry,
other times I feel sadness and hurting.
My doctor sits there and just listens,
only telling me to call a therapist.
Holding the phone with anticipation….
only I withdraw and become numb to this situation.
I thought I’d get help, only i was wrong again,
hoping that someday i’ll be normal and my madness comes to an end.
When I first started the studio shoot; I was nervous. I wasn’t as bad as my first time when I had started out modelling but I suffer with anxiety so its natural for me to be nervous.
I really enjoyed my first studio shoot, even my sister came along and did a few photos with her.
I had my first studio shoot with Mick and his other photographer Dan, I also came along with my ex partner because he was my chaperone and the reason why I said an ex partner is because I am no longer with him. We seperated after sometime, we parted on mutual terms but I wasn’t very happy, he held me back when I wanted to experience different things in modelling.
I have came a long way after doing my first Studio shoot with Mick and Dan, Me and Mick became great friends and started doing location and studio shoots. We traveled to different places that had fields, flowers, water; I have yet to experience a lake shoot but I think i’ll need to do that when its very warm.
I started to become more confident after my first studio shoot on how to pose, trying out make-up and no make-up looks. different clothing, implied nude and boudoir.
I’ll say modelling isn’t just a pretty picture displayed from a camera, its art.
Modelling has its own prospective of showing you how beauty can look like and stay with you instead of looking in the mirror at a quick glance. it shows memories, your success and most of all it can tell you a story.
All I will say is don’t give up on your career, you’ll just need time and Patience!
If it happened to me with everything I have been through then it can definitely happen for you!
You’ll need to be up for challenges when going to location shoots or things you don’t feel comfortable doing and that you’ll need to speak up, never do anything you don’t want to because the communication is Key in photography and Modelling!
Here you will find me writing about all sorts, I am going to be writing about My Model Life, Poetry and sometimes it will be just things in general like how I think or feel or what inspires me…
I hope Blog 4 Life isn’t boring and that I’m not boring, maybe you can answer the question for me? Am I really interesting? I haven’t really thought about myself these days…I’ve been cooped up inside and helping others because in my family we’ve recently had our dog pass away…
She was twelve and half years, went over dog years that the breed she is supposed to last…it broke my heart but I haven’t really cried…I think I could be in denial but i’m more shocked if anything and I feel like she hasn’t gone!
Her name is Missy, she is a Japanese Akita, beautiful as ever but she got breast and cervical cancer and had to be put down because she couldn’t walk and was in pain, bless her! I don’t know if anyone else has had an experience like that or like me with the way I am feeling? Please share in the comments below, I would love to hear your stories too because maybe it will help me cope and realise that I am not alone.
I am finally settled with a partner of my dreams and living with him too! Glad to be out of things that reminded me of my abusive childhood…I can talk about my childhood but its very unsettling and upsetting for me but its better to talk than to keep it bottled inside isn’t it; as long as i’m not annoying constantly on about it?
I turn 24 this year in July! years have gone by quickly and so has my age, I was one day in a situation that I thought I’d never get out of…now I am living my life to it’s fullest, on recovery but my anxiety is still an issue although I am getting by with it!
What do I look like? well have a look at The Model Life on my page because then you will learn about my modelling, not only the techniques and styles but my emotions; I use modelling for my confidence and self-esteem, its also a fun and worth they experience of just trying something and once I did it in the first place it was fun and loved it from the start! I have changed as well over the three years of me doing modelling; not just physically but emotionally and mentally too!
Closing the door on my past, to start a new life I never knew that I could have. Broken from where I used to be, trying to live life like a normal human being.
Silent tears sometimes still evade as I try to convince myself to not be afraid. The emptiness is still there, I still show too much care but most of all, one day, maybe I can show happiness to others that are there.
My shadows start to creep, like my skin they cover me…
Just want to feel free and finally try to get some peace.
I hold myself closely, feeling insecure.
People judge all around me, I see them stare….
I close my eyes but I fear he still stares.
Watching me pretending to sleep, feeling my heart pound…
I weaken beneath my blanket, I feel his breathing….
I keep my eyes closed and hear his words,
“Your not asleep”.
I lye there with my eyes pinned shut, my heart still pounds, I hear him walk out and close the door.
Silence is all I hear…
Scared to open my eyes, my heart still pounds.
I finally blackout and awaken at dawn, its just another day..
nothing new is going to come…
still I am here, beneath my blanket…
No where to run from this,
No way to forget….
This is my battlefield, pain I carry each day from abuse…when you are this young its hard to escape, you can’t just walk out the door, even at my age now i still carry this burden, I still feel weak, its a battle a fight each day. I am stronger though, stronger then ever. There is people that have been through worse, that have been more hurt but I still feel a victim and I still am one. He’ll never pay for what he did because hes passed away…
Occasionally I feel like I was meant to have this happen to me, to live through what I have been to make me who I am but if anything its just made me stronger and fighting a battle like this means I can overcome anything… I still suffer to this day, I still need to get out but money and time will have its say…I share this to show people who still go through this can get through it like me, even if its still happening like it is with me… we all deserve better we know we do and we will get better and have better…stay strong and positive….
you don’t know how it feels to have all of this pain…
Am bruised and broken on the inside, no physical attacks but I am undersized…
You can see skin and bones beneath my clothes, I am just a child and I asked for help…
The people I thought would help came on over….
when they spoke to me I was tongue-tied….
I could not say a word because when I had my chance they said it was all a lie…
They threw me in my bedroom…
silent tears I could only cry…
Its probably for the best because its my only place to hide….
I’m trapped inside these four walls, sometimes I stare outside the window…
When I got caught I was threw down the stairs only to be standing at this tall wall… Sometimes I would cry, sometimes I would stare, Sometimes I would look back… see into the lounge, I got told to look forward or eat some mustard on toast so I chose to look forward.