My Battlefield

_DSC3641.jpg

No time for rest, No pillow for my head,

no where to run from this,

no way to forget.

My shadows start to creep, like my skin they cover me…

Just want to feel free and finally try to get some peace.

I hold myself closely, feeling insecure.

People judge all around me, I see them stare….

I close my eyes but I fear he still stares.

Watching me pretending to sleep, feeling my heart pound…

I weaken beneath my blanket, I feel his breathing….

I keep my eyes closed and hear his words,

“Your not asleep”.

I lye there with my eyes pinned shut, my heart still pounds, I hear him walk out and close the door.

Silence is all I hear…

Scared to open my eyes, my heart still pounds.

I finally blackout and awaken at dawn, its just another day..

nothing new is going to come…

still I am here, beneath my blanket…

No where to run from this,

No way to forget….

****

This is my battlefield, pain I carry each day from abuse…when you are this young its hard to escape, you can’t just walk out the door, even at my age now i still carry this burden, I still feel weak, its a battle a fight each day. I am stronger though, stronger then ever. There is people that have been through worse, that have been more hurt but I still feel a victim and I still am one. He’ll never pay for what he did because hes passed away…

Occasionally I feel like I was meant to have this happen to me, to live through what I have been to make me who I am but if anything its just made me stronger and fighting a battle like this means I can overcome anything…  I still suffer to this day, I still need to get out but money and time will have its say…I share this to show people who still go through this can get through it like me, even if its still happening like it is with me… we all deserve better we know we do and we will get better and have better…stay strong and positive….

Advertisements

Silent Tears

_DSC3799.jpg

I am sitting in the dark feeling lonely…

you don’t know how it feels to have all of this pain…

Am bruised and broken on the inside, no physical attacks but I am undersized…

You can see skin and bones beneath my clothes, I am just a child and I asked for help…

The people I thought would help came on over….

when they spoke to me I was tongue-tied….

I could not say a word because when I had my chance they said it was all a lie…

They threw me in my bedroom…

silent tears I could only cry…

Its probably for the best because its my only place to hide….

I’m trapped inside these four walls, sometimes I stare outside the window…

When I got caught I was threw down the stairs only to be standing at this tall wall… Sometimes I would cry, sometimes I would stare, Sometimes I would look back… see into the lounge, I got told to look forward or eat some mustard on toast so I chose to look forward.

Silent tears I could only cry,

can you finally see her sadness?

On Reflection

_DSC3524 w.jpg

On reflection… I often wonder what beauty my demons have destroyed…

I cannot escape them nor avoid them….

On reflection… this woman stares, can you speak? 

I see a sadness in your eyes and I feel your pain….

This woman that reflects in the mirror,

I don’t recognise her as I stand and stare in wonder.

I softly touch my hair and see the movements….

this must be me, how can this be? I do not recognise her.

she seems so much stronger, I cannot look away, I will always admire her strength.

There is a sadness in her eyes but she must have come a long way.

 

Her life must have been tough but she didn’t fade away.

On reflection… I often wonder what beauty my demons have destroyed…

looking in this mirror I see,

Her demons, my demons, will they one day…

finally flee?

 

Modelling 2018

 

_DSC1705.jpg

_DSC1737.jpg
She models naturally, holding the branch lightly. She stands her ground….

 

Dear all,

I have been modelling since 2016, I have had brilliant shoots with various photographers and different categories. My portfolio holds Lingerie, Fashion, Beauty, Boudoir and Implied nude.

I have many looks and different styles, I have enjoyed modelling since I was Eighteen years old and I am carrying on working on my portfolio and gaining more experience.

Below are my images that I have been working on through these years, I hope you enjoy them.

_DSC1018
She is strong, she is not weak. she can be careless she can be free. shes deals with life like most things, carefully and always on tip toes. She is passive, soft and loyal but people have made her feel vulnerable.

 

_DSC0375
She looks at the world differently to you, she can be different like everyone around her. In this image she may look fierce but truly she is passionate and loving, she is strong with attitude but she has a kind and tender heart.
_DSC0465

The flesh, it shows but she is not bare, she is secure in her skin. Her hair loosely fallen around her shoulders, she reclines on the sofa, waiting for her loved one to come home. 

_DSC0460
She has colour in her flesh. On the sofa she reveals herself, She believed she wasn’t beautiful but truly beneath the mask she is.
Outdoors
You told me me things that seemed believable but now I am finally healing, I’ve gone out of my way to show the world am not careless, I am not weak, I have family that truly loves me, don’t tell me am going down hill fast because I am not, I live life the way I want to whether you judge and try to hurt others.
unspecified
I hold my hands to my chest to protect my heart but I look at you with smiling eyes and welcome you not only to heal my scars but cherish you by far.
_DSC0441
I wear this outfit to show my beauty, not to show how sexy I can be, red and blacks my favourite colour, soft skin and softly touching the ground with my legs and hands.
_DSC0429
I am looking at you, can you see me? If you do what do you see? Do i seem afraid? Do I look happy or expressionless? I want to rest above the pain I feel and not be dragged down.
009
Carefree Eyes but I stand my ground with my hands on my hips.
020
I wait for you, fiddling with my lace on my top, I look both ways and I yet can’t see you.

I

_DSC0225
Laughter is everything in life, it helps emotionally and physically. Smile and be brave, share your experiences that increase them laughters.
_DSC0010
I hold the branch beside me softly, I don’t want it to hurt or even hurt me, I have colour in my cheeks and my eyes look confident.
_DSC0151
Do I want to be set free? Do I need to be saved? I seem happy but no one knows what goes on within my mind. If I escape will those nettles hurt? will i bleed and fall to the floor? I need some reassurance that things will be ok if I escape but its a scary world out there, do I really want to be set free?
_DSC0217
I lean against this wall thats infront of your door way, I am expressionless in the eyes but a smile upon my lips, my hair hangs over my shoulders carefree and sometimes I wish my mind was like that too.
_DSC0169
Let me breathe, let me feel free, I look at you shocked with how you breathe so easily. I look at you also with wonder, tell me, how do you feel free and strong but not weak?
_DSC0192
I feel so cold, I want to be warm, my body shivers beneath this dress. I tremble when I walk because I feel weak from the cold, Bring me warmth, I need to feel the sun unleash upon my skin that shows.
_DSC0214
Should I tell you what I think? Should I tell you how I feel? I look up at you, can you see my darkness? can you feel my pain? answer me please before the teardrops fall upon my cheeks, they are calling unhealthily because tears, they always win beneath the pain I hideaway.